Chapter 97: Seeing you cry hurts my heart but makes me glad

Chapter 97: Seeing you cry hurts my heart but makes me glad I always said my acting was flawless when it came to my survival. But do you know what makes it even flawless? It’s when you mix emotions into it. Painful and sad emotions that could crush your heart with just a single thought. Emotions that could sympathize with the situation... Emotions that were more genuine than my intentions. Why was I able to synchronize with these emotions? It’s not because I was already feeling sad at how I wasn’t able to hate the Alphas who had tortured me in the novel. It wasn’t because I was feeling regretful that I never got to see the faces of my babies, but it was rather because... I could feel the sorrow and pain I, Jo-Pil, felt in that moment when I watched Jin-Yeok hold a bloody and lifeless Su-Yeon in his arms, wailing and weeping at the mistake he had made. With his own hands, he had ripped out the heart of the one he held in his heart. With his own hands... He had erased her from the land of the living. It was an unforgivable sin that he couldn’t recover from easily. I watched this and wondered if he would’ve cried the same way if I were the one he had ripped apart. Though I didn’t let him know the reason I was there in the first place was because Su-Yeon had called me to reach me for a lesson, I felt it was better not to bring her up. She was already dead, and the sight of Jin-Yeok in despair broke my heart. I hate to admit it, but I think in the novel, despite how they had treated me, my heart, which despised them, sympathized with them when they were struck with despair. I don’t know if it was because I was simply a good person or if I had feelings underneath my hate for them, but it was like that until the end, when I felt I could no longer carry on. I had given them my everything so it was time to collect the debt. It was time to take away their everything... which was all centered around me. They needed to suffer, and I didn’t need to look back. They needed to wallow and suffer in despair at my death for the rest of their lives. Those were probably the thoughts I had when I made that wish to them just before I jumped out of the window. That way... My weak heart wouldn’t be able to sympathize with them since they had been so cruel to me and caused me to suffer. Anyway, back to where I was. I sympathized with Jin-Yeok because the thought of him wallowing in despair after killing the one he treasured was too much for only me to bear. Plus... This was my life we were talking about. I’d definitely be the one to die when that time comes, so let me save my life while I save him from his regret. "Jo-Pil," Jin-Yeok called, and I watched him wrap his arms around me, hugging me passionately. "Jo-Pil," he called my name once more, and it sounded like he had something to say. It sounded like he was already feeling regretful. It sounded like... "Jo-Pil," Okay, that’s three times now. What did he want to say? "I don’t know why, but seeing you cry for my sake hurts my heart as well as makes me glad." The hell?! Why does it make you glad? My tears are precious, you know. "I never want to see you cry like that again." He said. "So, I’ll do what you asked me to do." I blinked, surprised. He would? "It won’t be easy." He said. "Because I’ve relied on these drugs for a really long time. If it’s as your story goes, after I start experiencing the side effects, I won’t be able to distinguish between reality and my own hellish delusions. And I... May go on a rampage." Yes, yes, that’s it. That’s exactly what’s going to happen. He squeezed his arms around me even more, holding me with a weary heart as he said. "I can’t even begin to imagine what I would do if I ended up like the man in your story. What would I do if I...?" He closed his eyes, still clutching me tight. "I will never be able to live with myself." Well, you’d still be able to live, just that you’ll have to throw your depression and attention into a new direction and have someone else steal your heart. Though there’s no hope of that happening if you do end up killing me in a rampage, because there’s no other person who you’re close to that can steal your heart. Once you kill me, I think you should come along with me. We’ll stroll around the gardens of the underworld together and then we’ll part ways in the reincarnation pool because you need to be taken by the demons to pay for your sins while I’m giving a new life since I was a complete angel here on Earth... What the hell am I even talking about? Ahem, I seemed to have recovered from that quite quickly. Where did my deep attachment for his tragic fate go, dammit?! "I already felt so miserable after causing that accident with my indecisiveness. I can’t even begin to think of how I would feel if you actually died in my hands." Jin-Yeok said, and I rolled my eyes down. "I don’t want to share the same fate as the man in your story," he said. "So, I will do whatever I can to stop." Jin-Yeok seemed to understand better since he experienced the guilt of putting my life in danger, and he might’ve also started noticing the so-called side effects. His killings were increasing these days after increasing the dose, so he feared for his fate. "What if you can’t?" I asked. It wasn’t so easy to stop once one was addicted. "What if you can’t go on living your life as you are without that drug?" "I will find a way," he sounded determined. "You said it before. Drugs and medication aren’t the only cure. I will try other methods." "Then, will you talk to me more?" I asked him. "Why don’t we do this? After you come back from work, you’ll tell me about your day. You’ll tell me how much you hated the people there. How much you had to put up your smiling mask, and how much you wanted to kill them. If you have someone to talk to regarding these things with no discrimination, I feel you’ll get better soon and you’ll be able to balance your life properly. You don’t have to always hide everything. Sometimes, having a listening ear was more than enough to clear one’s mind."