Chapter 104: A dragon on the edge

Chapter 104: A dragon on the edge Byron left, leaving them alone in the room. Draken was standing far enough away that he could feel his whole presence, not not quite close enough that Cass had to worry he’d be able to grab him easily. He’d have to take one or two steps before that could happen. Why was Cass worried he was going to grab him? The look on his face, and the way he was holding himself. Draken looked ready to burst. He had no idea what the man had felt from him, but it was clear that he was hurt, confused, and maybe even angry. Cass couldn’t blame him. If the man had experienced a fraction of what he’d just gone through, he’d be pretty fucking pissed too. "What was that?" Draken asked, after he was sure that Byron was far enough away that he couldn’t hear him. Cass shrugged his shoulders, happy when they lifted up, unhappy at the sharp pain that caused. Draken winced, his gaze narrowing as he scanned Cass. As if he had x-ray vision or something, and would be able to see where Cass was hurt. Cass chuckled. "That, Lord Draken, was a fraction of what I experience every month since coming of age." Cass didn’t see the point in lying since the man was only going to pester him until he answered. He hadn’t experienced it yet, but reading it in the book had left quite the impression. He did not want to experience it. Draken’s face went through a series of emotions. It was quite the case study, actually. Cass saw many things, but didn’t pay close enough attention. He didn’t want to. He caught the pity and that was enough for him. Cass turned his gaze away from Draken, his neck getting a crick in it as he had to turn his head to look at him. Draken, sensing that, sensing fucking everything right now, marched over and slammed his body into the loveseat across from him. He rested his elbows on his knees, interlocking his fingers and clenching them as he stared at Cass. Cass felt his eyes widen in shock as Draken so quickly, so easily adjusted to ease Cass. Fuck. Should he have shouted at him emotionally like that before? If he had known, he would have done so. "Are you lying?" Draken asked and Cass chuckled. "Why would I lie, Draken?" Cass asked and Draken seemed confused. He hesitated for a moment, before he responded. "I...I got a wave of fear and confusion and...I’m just having doubts that that wasn’t your first time experiencing that." Draken insisted. He was searching Cass’ eyes, and since the man already knew some truths, Cass felt his lips turn up. "Well, in a way it was." Cass admitted. "Much like my magic, I also lost my memory about what exactly happened during the time I took off." Draken’s expression couldn’t be described easily. He was confused, horrified, and his clenched hands were shaking. He looked pale. Honestly, he probably looked how Cass had felt when it first began. "What?" Draken whispered and Cass shrugged. "I got my memories back after I experienced it. Seems like it shook something free." Cass joked. His head pulsed painfully, as if to warn him not to take it lightly and he winced. Draken furrowed his brows. "Does everything hurt you?" He asked, quite seriously and Cass snorted. "I know that I’ve had a bad month, but have I been this injured before? I just slipped up. I’ll be more prepared next time." Draken arched an eyebrow. "Next time? I am going to have to suffer through a next time?" Draken demanded and it was Cass’ turn to give him an incredulous look. "You? Suffer? What the hell would you know? You only felt a fraction of what I felt." Cass shot back, his voice cracking. He shook his head, glaring at Draken. "Don’t come in here looking for sympathy. I barely have answers, and I’ve been dealing with this for over a fucking decade." Cass growled, and Draken’s expression darkened. "You don’t know what this stems from?" He asked and Cass let out a harsh laugh. "Do you think I go through this for fun, Draken? Do you?" Cass laughed again when Draken didn’t immediately have a reply. "Okay. Tell me what you felt, Draken, and we’ll start from there. You seem to throwing around a lot of ’I’ statements, so let’s see what you experienced in comparison to what I felt." Draken’s jaw was tight as he looked at Cass. Cass smirked. He was exhausted, that was true, but dealing with this slightly subdued version of Draken was...a nice break compared to how aggressive he’d been recently. Cass just wished he had use of his hands so that he could rest his head on them, but he wouldn’t ask for miracles given the state his body was in. Draken looked hollow as he began to recall what he’d felt from Cass over the last week. "You...you seemed excited at first." He started and Cass nodded. "And then it was denial. A lot of it. Suddenly, a wave of hatred slammed into me, and it was so filled with vitriol I was almost blinded to the other feelings that were mixed into it." Draken swallowed, looking like he was going to be ill. "You...you just didn’t want me to come here, right? It was a warning." Draken glanced at Cass, his orange eyes seeing a lot more than Cass wanted him to. "I didn’t pick it up at first, but then...I understood with the next wave." Draken’s voice dropped into a whisper. Cass was surprised that the big guy had it in him. "You were in so much pain. Delirious. Hatred, disgust, revolution, and it was all directed towards yourself. I just remember thinking that ’I’," Draken pointed to Cass, "’you’ wanted it to stop." Draken licked his lips. "It lasted for five days." Cass didn’t know what to say. He was surprised that the lust didn’t get in there, but then again, it was the guiding force, but probably not the biggest emotion he was feeling. All of the things he said...yeah, that felt quite accurate. Draken looked like a part of his soul had left as he recounted the emotions he’d felt. He licked his lips nervously, glancing up at Cass before he sighed. "Is there anything I can do? Anything at all? I can’t..." He clenched his jaw, his fingers going white from how hard he clenched them. "I cannot go through that again, Cassian. I had to go out into the woods and kill monsters to distract myself. I know it is selfish of me, but I just..." He exhaled. "I fought the compulsion to come to you. I know you don’t think that that’s a big deal, and that you probably don’t care about it but it’s...it’s a big deal." Draken cut off, his voice breaking. He shook his head, his hair falling forward and Cass stared at the man. He looked...almost broken. Cass didn’t know what to say. "I can’t make any promises, Draken, but because I didn’t know what to expect this time, I wasn’t able to...take care of myself in the way that I normally would. This next month should be better, but I can’t promise that." Draken nodded, his whole body tense. "You were right, it was a warning. I am glad that you read it as such." Cass gentled his voice when he said that. He couldn’t begin to guess what Draken had gone through to fight his compulsion to go to him. He didn’t care all that much, but not acknowledging that wouldn’t get him any dragon brownie points. Draken nodded again, glancing up at Cass. "Is there anything I can do to help?" Cass, despite his better judgement, had that flash back to before he’d gone into... Back when Draken had him pressed against the desk, and had asked him to imagine. Cass felt his face heat, before he cleared his throat. His throat ached. "N-No. There isn’t anything you could do. Just...stay away, I guess? I’ve managed this far just fine, I think I can manage a bit more." Cass joked, but Draken didn’t seem to find it funny. "This is not the time for jokes, Cassian. You’ve kept this from all of us this whole time. You have no idea what the others have said, what I’ve said behind your back without knowing the truth! I feel like a monster. Had I known you were going through something so painful...every month..." Draken shook his head, at a loss for words. "Girls go through their monthlies, how is this any different?" Cass asked and Draken narrowed his gaze. "I am sure if you shared this bond with a female dragon she too would be alarmed, Cassian. Do not belittle what you are going through. Do not make light of it. That will make me angry." Draken growled and Cass got the message loud and clear. Cass cleared his throat, turning his gaze away. "Be that as it may, that’s only a theory. We have no female dragons nearby who could experience it, and I don’t want to be marked again, so that is a mute point." Draken scowled. "Cassian, why are you brushing this off? I was worried about you! Is that so wrong?" Draken asked and Cass flinched. It was. It was a problem, and Cass was just tired enough, in just enough pain to say so. "It is a problem, Draken, because just like you pointed out, you only cared about this shit as soon as you were tied to me. Before this, like everyone else, you badmouthed me behind my back, belittled me, and I’m sure many other things that I don’t even want to know about. You speak all these pretty words about how I should rely on you, ask you for help, all that bullshit, but you rarely actually listen to me, and then you brush me off and bulldoze ahead despite my words or complaints. I do have a problem with what you’ve done and said up until now, and I want to make something very clear." Cass’ voice cracked, and he had to swallow before he spoke again. "I was not the one who put up the barriers first, okay? I wanted to be friends with everyone, but you’d already made up your judgements of me before you even met me. So yeah, I’m fucking jaded, but I wasn’t always like this." Draken blinked, shocked by Cass’ words. Cass knew that Lord Blackburn wouldn’t say them, nor would he take over his body to say them either. He hadn’t even said it to everyone like he actually wanted to, and instead only said a fraction of what he wanted to. Only to Draken. A man who he wasn’t even sure would get it. As Draken’s expression darkened, and the mood shifted in the study, Cass understood that the man had absolutely understood it, and was pissed. "I deserved that." Draken muttered, surprising Cass. Given the feeling filling the room, he was preparing to get yelled at. Instead, Draken looked pissed, but at himself. He covered his face with his hand, laughing and Cass tensed, unsure what was going on. "Fuck. What have I been doing? I’ve been letting my opinion of you colour my every interaction, forgetting that you are a damn human." Cass wasn’t sure why, but he did find that offense. What was wrong with being human? "Is that a bad thing?" Cass asked, and Draken peeked at him between his fingers, his orange gaze pained. "It’s...complicated. I just...I forget how big your feelings are, and how long they last. Not that dragons are any better, but...ugh, I’m not good at explaining things!" Draken burst out, steam pouring from his nostrils. "This is hellish! I just want to be able to communicate with you better, and instead I’m a fucking useless twat." Draken complained and Cass couldn’t help it. He snorted. Draken blinked, staring at Cass as he began to laugh. Cass couldn’t even raise his hands to cover his mouth, laughing earnestly in the face of Draken’s clear dilemma. "You are a twat." Cass agreed, chuckling while Draken continued to stare at him. "I’m glad you finally noticed."