Chapter 109: Stop hiding

Jocelyne felt a mixture of strange sensations inside her as soon as she heard that voice. She whirled around quickly, seeking the source of it, but she couldn't find it; it was as if the voice didn't come from a specific point, but from all the space around her. "Where are you?" "I'm everywhere. You're already looking at me, just as you always look at me, even if you don't realize it" the voice replied. "But if you really need a face to look... I satisfy you" The space in front of Jocelyne curved and thickened, until it formed a figure. She was a woman, or at least she looked like one. Her hair gave off an infinite light and she wore a dress as white as snow. She looked at Jocelyne smiling, but her magnetic eyes were so deep that it seemed to the girl that they were probing her soul. The instant the woman finished appearing, Jocelyne felt immense pressure on her body. The largest black hole ever discovered had a mass more than sixty billion times that of the Sun, and was so large that light would have taken a week to reach its center. For comparison, it could contain eleven solar systems placed side by side. The gravity it emitted was so immense that anything in its vicinity would instantly be crushed and spaghettified. It was so big that it devoured galaxies and shone with the light of one hundred trillion stars. It was hard to imagine anything more powerful. Still, Jocelyne felt that not even that gigantic black hole could hold a candle to the woman in front of her. She was the same stature as hers, but it seemed to Jocelyne that she could hold the entire universe on her fingertip as if it were a grain of sand. The pressure it gave off was infinitely higher than the one of all the objects in the cosmos put together, and the light that she emitted was infinitely superior the the one of all the galaxies in the universe. Jocelyne didn't know how she knew this, yet she didn't for a moment doubt that it was true, as if it were only natural to think so. Something inside her told her that this woman could erase her from the existence as easily as a person could crush an ant, indeed it probably would have been even easier. Still, Jocelyne couldn't feel fear, even though she knew she should. It was as if the mere presence of that woman had muffled her negative emotions. A pleasant warmth enveloped her from head to toe and she felt safe, protected, calm like she was few times in her life. She wanted to speak but she couldn't find her words; but the woman was silent, patiently waiting for her to get a sentence together. Finally Jocelyne found the strength to ask: "Who are you?" The woman seemed to grin, as if she Jocelyne had just said something funny. The mere movement of her lips seemed to shake the entire cosmos. "You already know who I am. Everyone knows. If you dig a little deep into your soul, you will find the answer yourself. You cannot forget who created you, after all" Jocelyne's eyes widened. That last sentence had struck her. Suddenly she had an intuition, and something inside her assured her that she was right. "Are... are you God?" "See? You already knew the answer" the woman said with a smile. Jocelyne felt breathless. "I... well... should I bow down?" she asked, unable to think. "Absolutely not. No one should ever bow down to anyone, including me. You aren't my servant, you are my child, as well as all other beings that exist. Why would I want my own child to bow down to me?" God asked rhetorically. Jocelyne calmed down. Normally it wouldn't have taken so little to calm her down, but this time she couldn't help it. It was as if that woman's voice extinguished all her worries. "So... God is a woman?" "No, it's not that simple. There is no correct term in your language to understand my gender" God replied. "In a way, 'God' isn't even my name, it's just one of the many names my children address me by. My name is much more complex" "So, should I call you something else?" "Oh, no. You can address me by any name you want. Call me 'God' if you like. It's not important after all" "How can it not be important?" From Jocelyne's point of view, it was absurd that someone didn't care to be called by their first name. God let out a chuckle. "Tell me, when you call your mother 'mom' instead of her name, does she get annoyed? Or when your father calls her 'honey', 'love', 'darling', or other epithets, does she care? " Jocelyne was taken aback by that question. "Uh... no, I don't think so..." "And your father? Has he ever complained when you called him 'dad' instead of Markus? Or when his employees call him 'sir', or 'boss'?" "No..." "And you? Did you ever care how your parents called you 'baby', 'my daughter', 'my love', 'starlight' instead of Jocelyne?" "Absolutely no" "See? The name isn't important. It doesn't matter how you call another person. What matters is the feeling you put into that word. So, you can call me whatever you like, as long as that name has a meaning to you" Jocelyne bit her lip. She had several objections, but she suddenly felt they were silly. She decided it was best to change the subject. "So... why are you here? By the way, where are we?" "In your head, of course. You're dreaming" "Am I in a dream?" "Of course. Or do you think that in the real world there are hybrids between humans, wolves and pigs? This is a dream. Well, more of a nightmare actually" "So... are you real? Or am I just dreaming about you?" "Of course you're only dreaming me! But why would that mean I'm not real?" Jocelyne closed her mouth, trying to process what God was saying. It was really hard to keep up with her; it was as if their thoughts were on two different planes. Well, that was probably true... "Okay, so why did you come to my dream?" "What questions! You called me" "Sorry?" "You asked for my help. You've been asking me for a long time, actually" "But... I didn't ask for your help. I... well, how can I said... I wasn't really a believer... until five minutes ago. I didn't call you or pray you or something else" "Not with your mouth. But your soul has been crying out for help for almost a year now. You feel oppressed and trapped all the time, and inside you cry and scream hoping someone will reach out to you" Jocelyne suddenly felt sick at hearing those words, as if a vice was gripping his heart. "That's not true" she said. "I'm fine. I just need..." "Jocelyne" Suddenly the woman frowned, and that single movement was enough to make everything tremble. "Stop lying to me and yourself" "I..." Jocelyne tried to deny it again, but her words died in her throat. She couldn't understand why. She had denied that she felt bad about her father, her mother, Jackson, Abe, anyone who had met her, even her own reflection in her mirror; yet, he was unable to tell the woman in front of her. Then, almost without her realizing it, the truth came out of her mouth by itself: "...I need help" Her hand instantly went to her mouth. "No... no! I didn't mean... I didn't..." she tried to justify herself. "I mean... maybe I need some help, yeah... but not that much! Maybe just some advice on... on how to stop having nightmares... or..." God was looking at her with a strange expression. In her eyes Jocelyne saw a mixture of pity and sadness. The girl was angry: the last thing she wanted was pity from others. "I said I'm fine! You don't have to look at me like that!" she yelled. "I... I don't need any help, okay? I can do it by myself... I can..." A warm liquid began to flow down her cheeks. Jocelyne touched her face and her fingers became wet. 'No! Don't cry!' she screamed in her mind. 'You don't have to cry! You don't have to show yourself weak!'. "I don't need help, I said!" she was practically screaming by now. "I don't know what you think you heard, but not my soul or any other part of me is at peace! I don't need someone who... who... stop falling!" she cried out at her own tears, which of course ignored her and continued to flow down her cheeks more copious than before hers. "That's enough" The whole existence seemed to shake; an unimaginable force seemed to hit the pillars of creation themselves. However, Jocelyne didn't have time to understand what had happened, because something warm enveloped her and held her close; it took her a few seconds to understand that God was embracing her. Jocelyne felt an indescribable sensation. That embrace was so warm that it seemed made up of all the stars in the universe while they exploded in supernovas. As God's hands gripped her, Jocelyne felt as if nothing could touch or even threaten her. It was both a maternal and a paternal embrace, both of love and friendship. Then God whispered to her: "You don't have to hide from me" Jocelyne instinctively curled up and clung even closer to the deity; her entire body craved that touch, she wanted more. God humored her and knelt down, making the whole universe tremble, so that she could sit on her lap and let her arms wrap her completely around him. Also, God's stature seemed to grow, as if she wanted to give her all the space she needed. Jocelyne reveled in that touch for a few more seconds, then she couldn't resist anymore. It started with a few sobs, then she began to cry profusely, as she had never done in her life. Not even in her most despondent moments when she was in the forest she had cried so much. She couldn't stop anymore and she wasn't sure she wanted to. For the first time, she wasn't afraid to cry. The anger towards her captors, the fear of being kidnapped again, the fury that the real perpetrators had gotten away with her, the sense of helplessness at feeling weak, the despondency of being constantly at the mercy of other people's decisions, all those emotions that pressed her all the time came out all at once. God never let her go. She rocked her continuously as she cried and finally let her vent. From her point of view, Jocelyne felt like she was once again a small child being held by her mother after she scraped her knee. After an indefinite amount of time she stopped crying. It seemed like she cried for hours, or maybe even days. It was hard to tell. "Look at you, you cried so much your clothes got soake" God said, and in an instant your wet clothes were dry again. "You're better now, aren't you?" Jocelyne nodded. Yes, she was better. She didn't know how that was possible, but that crying session of hers had helped. Now she felt lighter. "Why didn't you help me earlier?" she whispered; perhaps under normal circumstances she would never have asked such a question to another person, let alone to a deity, but now she couldn't stop herself. "Why did you let those things happen to me? Why are you only showing up now? Why have you abandoned me all this time? Why... why?" "I never left you" God seemed to sigh. "I never abandon any of my children. I always try to help you, every moment of your life. Unfortunately, my voice isn't always heard" "What... what do you mean?" "I am always with you, Jocelyne. In every moment. Just as I am always next to everyone else. And every time, I suggest what would be best to do. That voice in your head, that intuition, that thing you call 'conscience', it's always me. But I can only give you some advice. Listening or not is always your choice" God explained. "Every time someone makes a good choice, they are listening to my voice. Every time someone makes a bad choice, she's ignoring me. But the choice will always be yours alone. I will never interfere with it" "Why? Why... not interfere?" "It's complicated. I could explain my reasons to you, but believe me when I tell you that you wouldn't understand them. The human mind is too much... how shall I say... limited to comprehend such concepts. All you need to know is that the world would be worse off if I intervened... at least from a parent's point of view" Jocelyne looked at God. She wanted to be angry, disappointed, even just pissed, but she couldn't. "You left me alone that... that day. You let them kidnap me..." "I didn't leave you alone. I suggested you leave that place. Do you remember that?" Jocelyne remembered the evening of her abduction. Indeed, she had sensed that something was wrong. It had been a feeling that she almost had not made her fall asleep. But she had ignored it, convincing herself that it was only her imagination. "Why didn't you stop them instead?" "I tried. I begged that man, Mika, to stop. But he had closed his heart to my voice from a while. His soul was too rotten and no matter how hard I tried to make myself heard, he would never heard me" "You could have thrown a thunderbolt at him" "I told you, I don't interfere with humans' choices. Even if they're terribly wrong and can bring suffering to others. Hate me for it if you want, but I have my reasons for doing it" God sighed. "Don't think I don't care. It breaks my heart every time I see one of my children allow himself to be corrupted by cruelty and bring harm to the innocent. But I chose to give my children freedom for a reason, and ever since I created everything I haven't regretted this decision". Suddenly she smiled. "Besides, I didn't need to intervene in your case. Someone was already there to save you" Jocelyne's eyes widened. "Did... did you really send the spinosaurus?" she exclaimed in surprise. God shook his head. "I don't interfere with any of my children's choices. Saving you was Sobek's choice, him and him alone. But I knew he would." "Sobek...?" "That's his name, isn't it? You gave it to him" Jocelyne swallowed. "Did you really know that he would help me? How could you do it if you don't intervene in our choices?" "It's a simple matter of perspective" God explained. "For you humans, there is the past, the present and the future. But things are different for me. Time and space are concepts that have no value from my point of view. Even if for you that event had yet to happen, for me it wasn't like this" Jocelyne was silent for a moment, then admitted: "Talking to you is really difficult" "I know. Everyone tells me" "Everyone? Did you talk to anyone other than me?" "Oh, yes, a lot of times. I appear in dreams at least once in everyone's life. In some cases even two or three. The record was twenty-seven" "Really? And why no one talks about it?" "Because they don't remember. You won't remember either" Jocelyne jerked her head up. "What?" "No one can remember their dreams, Jocelyne. All that memory holds are fragments of them. And this is still only a dream. When you wake up, you won't remember me" "But then... what's the point of you coming here?" "Like any dream, you will remember fragments. The most important parts of our conversation will remain in you. When you wake up, they will seem like a particularly insistent 'voice in your head'. After that, it will be up to you whether to listen to my advice or ignore it" Jocelyne pressed into the deity's chest. "I won't even remember... this?" she asked referring to that wonderful hug. "I'm afraid not. You'll feel some sensations, but you won't be able to really remember what you're feeling right now. You wouldn't even be able to if you were awake, actually; human memory is too limited to really remember what it feels like when I touch you" God replied. "I don't want to forget it. No...I don't actually want it to stop" Jocelyne murmured in a shaky voice. "I know. But all children, one day or another, must leave their parents' arms and walk with their legs" Jocelyne's hands brushed against God's white robe. She wanted to hold it close to her, but she felt sick at just thought of rubbing it. "So.. what do you want to tell me?" she finally asked. God's face became serious. "What I've been telling you for a long time, but you refuse to listen to" she replied, then looked straight into her eyes. "Stop hiding" Jocelyne's eyes widened. "Sorry...?" "Stop hiding" "Is... is that all? Don't you have anything else to tell me?" "I have no reason to tell you more" Jocelyne was stunned for a few seconds, then she frowned. "Seriously? God shows up in front of me and all she has to say is 'bring out the courage'?" she exclaimed. "Of course. Because you see, Jocelyne, you already have all the qualities necessary to be able to manage on your own. I know it well, I created you after all" God replied. "All you lack is the will to make those qualities you already possess. Your brilliant mind, your people allies, your strategy, your gab; you have all the weapons you need. But without the courage to use it, a weapon is completely useless. You can be the best sniper in the world, but if you don't dare to pull the trigger, then you're just an obstacle in the battlefield" God touched Jocelyne's cheek with her fingers. The girl shivered at the touch and her heart leapt with emotion. "I know it's not easy. It's much easier to hide, let the rest of the world forget you, shut up your emotions and disappear. But that's not a good thing. It's not good for the world, which thus doesn't change and continues to oppress the weak, and especially it's not good for you". God sighed. "Very soon the world will need you, Jocelyne. Not only your family or your nation, but every single human being that exists and will exist in the coming years. A great future awaits you, but it will only become true if you decide to not hide anymore and face your enemies head on" "What... what do you mean?" Jocelyne whispered. Why would have the world need her? What did that mean? "You will understand when the time comes. Remember my words and you will know what to do by yourself" God replied. "Now you have to wake up. The dream is over" "No!" Jocelyne almost screamed, curling even more into her arms. "Please... I don't want it to end!" "Neither do I. But there's no point in escaping in your dreams and refusing to live" God told her. "And this is not goodbye anyway. I will always be beside you, for all your life. Open your heart and you can always hear my voice. And even when your life in this world ends, I will be here for you, ready to accompany you to the other part. This is just a momentary goodbye" Jocelyne felt her body quiver and her heart pound, and for an instant she forgot to breathe; her mind exploded and a whirlwind of emotions ranging from sheer joy to utter mirth wrapped her around like a blanket. It took her a few moments before she realized that God had just kissed her forehead. The deity gave her one last look, a motherly gaze filled with love, and then her lips moved. "Now wake up" ****************** "GASP!" Jocelyne's eyes widened and she almost jumped out of bed. She gasped for a few seconds before recovering. She wrapped herself in the blankets. Even though the room was heated, she felt cold for some reason. No, it was something more than the cold ... it was as if she had been enveloped in a great heat for a long time that suddenly left her. Her head was spinning. For some reason, she felt drained. It was absurd, but she seemed to have been in the throes of joy just moments before her. She wondered if she had taken some drug without realizing it. But strangely, something inside her told her that she hadn't taken any drugs, and that the cause of that strange feeling was her dream. "What the hell did I dream about?" she thought confused. She couldn't remember it. "It wasn't one of the usual nightmares, I'm sure of that... but then what was it?" She got out of bed and dragged herself to the mirror. Her reflection gave her a rather unpretty image of her, wrapped in her sweaty, rumpled nightgown and with her hair disheveled, but it was still a much better image than she normally had of her. Usually after a nightmare she had dark circles under her eyes, a vacant expression, red eyes and sweat all over. It seemed that for once the bad dreams hadn't tormented her. Still, she couldn't explain the strange sensations she had on her. 'I almost feel like I'm drunk' she thought, then looked at her pack of antidepressants. "Maybe I got the dosage wrong today? Well, at least she kept me from having nightmares. It's an improvement. Maybe one more wouldn't hurt..." She was tempted to take another pill, when she suddenly heard a voice in her head. "Stop hiding" "Uh?" Jocelyne didn't understand. "Stop hiding? What does it mean?" Was her inner self trying to communicate something to her? She didn't know. But for some reason, she felt those words were important, very important. She looked at the box of antidepressants. For some reason, she now looked different to her. She really wanted to take another pill, yet she couldn't get that voice out of her head. "Stop hiding" it kept telling her. "Well... maybe I can avoid it for today" she finally decided. Perhaps that weird feeling would have gone away by the next day; she could go a night without her pills. Oddly, as she set the box down she sensed something, and it seemed to her that someone or something was smiling lovingly behind her back. "Damn, I'm starting to think I've actually taken some drugs" she thought she more and more confused. She sat on the bed and turned on her tablet. By now she was no longer sleepy, so even if it was late at night she might as well do something. Maybe by distracting herself a bit she would have recovered from that strange whirlwind of emotions. As soon as she logged into Google, a headline immediately leapt into her eyes. "INGEN COMPANY PRESIDENT ANNOUNCES THE UNTHINKABLE: THE NEW KING OF THE DINOSAURS IS BORN!"