Chapter 90 90: Buried Truth

I was reluctant to let any friends find out for a variety of reasons, but I was never planning on hiding my powers from my family. Or well, at least certain aspects of it. The reason I never told them until now is because I wanted to reveal it in person and explain everything at once. Rather than trying to half-explain the situation messily over text, this was far cleaner. Of course, I wouldn't just disclose everything such as the fact that... well, that I have blood on my hands. A precious son is a murderer? No, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that was a secret that would come with me to the grave. For a mother, for a father, for a sister or a brother, hearing something like that would be no less than absolutely horrific. Depending on how you look at the situation, the result of my first Contract could or couldn't be called my decision. I was trapped there, yes. And that definitely wasn't by choice. But, it was my decision to escape, even if it meant taking the life of the Hero. I'm the one who did it and who chose to do it; there's no way they would be able to look at me in the same light afterwards, and there was no other way of looking at it. No amount of clarifying just how calamitous the existence of a Protagonist was would, could, or probably should excuse that, at least in the eyes of an ordinary person. Even if I personally felt like my reasons were just and valid, of course, not everyone would see it in the same manner. In fact, I'm sure that my moral opinion would be in the minority when weighed against any other person. Besides, it's not like Protagonists are the only people whose lives I've taken. That crown prince... even if it was all for a so-called "good reason", the fact remained that I had killed. Even if there would be no real repercussions for my actions, such reckless reasoning didn't matter. Even if I had gained whoever's permission to do it, an appeal to a higher authority likewise didn't matter. That fact alone couldn't ever be erased, and so, it shall be hidden. Until the very end of time, it must. "Awakened...? No way, is that why you became such a despicable normie bastard all of a sudden?" "Ina! Don't talk about your brother like that! Enki, is that why you didn't come home or get in touch over Christmas? I was really worried that something might have happened... It's lucky Ella was there to confirm that you were safe." "Ah... Yes. I'm sorry." 'You did that? And wait. I was in Drakon-Rasa for the entirety of Christmas Break, so how would Ella have known if I was safe or not? Did she just say I was fine without even knowing...?' "Good... but, are you really sure? Those people put their lives on the line, you know? It's very dangerous..." "Yes, I'm sure. It's not really something to worry abou--" "Oh, dear-- Come here." Interrupting my sentence, before I knew it, a mother's embrace surrounded me. Caught off guard by the abrupt action, I was taken aback, my gaze flickering over her shoulder between Ina, who watched with a subdued expression, and my father, who observed with one that was completely unreadable. I couldn't make heads nor tails of what either of them were thinking. As that tender, maternal warmth was shared to me through the contact of our bodies, a strange, unfamiliar feeling bubbled up within me. At the same time, a sense of something frightening welled. I was sure that the sheer coldness of my body had not faltered. Of course it hadn't. I could feel it right now, and even Ina flinched upon grabbing me before. Though she didn't seem to think much of it then, perhaps due to having her focus preoccupied with something else, it was too convenient to assume the same was happening now, or that my body, which had been like that ceaselessly since the first moment, was coincidentally normal now. I could still feel the endless waves of sheer frigidity emanating from the core of my being. And... just as Lucretia said towards the end, this coldness was not something friendly. With the Christina-Rasa Archducal family as the sole exception, it would not be familiar to anyone but me, and it would certainly not be well received either. Thus, she, too, would―― "...Enki." A gentle voice uttered from right beside my ear, calling my name. "If things ever get hard, you come home, alright?" "..." At that moment, something occurred to me, and a wave of something strange, akin to guilt, washed over me. Rather, something analogous to guilt and yet something distinct in its own right. It wasn't regret at hiding things from my family. It wasn't regret over having taken multiple lives. Rather, it was the realisation that, despite having done these things, the very fact that I was so indifferent towards it was something to be condemned. Rather than the crime itself of murder, wouldn't it be even more reprehensible to remain impenitent for committing it after the fact? Of course, if the victim was someone who could be said to "deserve it", it could in fact be argued that feeling remorseless was justifiable, or even inevitable. And that was exactly my viewpoint. However, was it really the same? The people I killed―although they were Protagonists, they were also innocent at the same time. An excuse like 'Protagonists aren't people' is just that. For the Librarian, there might be such a difference between them and ordinary human beings, but me, I couldn't see something like that, at least not on the surface. Murder is murder. Even if it was 'logically correct' to take their singular lives in order to save the lives of many others, I could understand why people might still disagree with the fundamental action of murder itself from a moral standpoint. From my view, of course, killing the Protagonist to save those countless lives would undoubtedly be the most moral thing to do, but I guess someone could make the argument that any killing at all was immoral, and that abstaining from it all was most pure. Even if doing so led to the deaths of many, would that be immoral? To be honest, I don't even know why I'm here contemplating such useless philosophy. Whether it was good, whether it was bad. The truth is, I don't really care. I never started this to do the right thing, after all. In the end, that the Illusory World would come to an end if the Protagonist survived was also a justification. A petty excuse I couldn't even confirm the veracity of. It may or may not be true, but either way, it didn't make it any more or less than just that, a justification. If even to me Protagonists were just people, and relatively innocent at that, then what would it look or sound like to someone who wasn't in my position? Someone who was destined to save countless people, chosen through divine revelation. Someone who was only a student going about their life, helping lost souls whilst he did so. Someone who was enslaved and forced to fight day and night for the sake of her family. ...Someone, who was no more than a hapless young girl in love. Irrespective of the truth, murdering such people was inexcusable. Doing so without remorse was one step further than that. Although it might've been a different story if I could provide a sound rationale for my actions, one that sounded reasonable to an ordinary person... that just isn't it. Trying to explain things to them as it is would never work, and perhaps I'm the one more aware of that than anyone else. It would be no more than the difference between a 'sane' killer and a psychopathic killer. That's why, again. To my friends, to my family. To the world. The fact that 'Enki Valentine is a killer', and that 'he does so without remorse'. So long as it's in my power. Never. They cannot ever know. "...Yes." Wrapping my unquestionably bitter, cold arms around my mother's shoulders, my frigid hands landed lightly on her back, returning the hug that perhaps only made her flinch, beginning a process of slowly numbing her skin. In the corner of my heart, a piercing chill quietly, perpetually echoed. "I will." My actions, as if embodying the physical representation of my buried truth. My words, as if solidifying that vow of silence, a self-imposed, eternal gag order. "..." After that brief embrace, I locked eyes with everyone in turn. Those eyes that knew nothing. Those eyes that spoke of nothing. May they forever continue to know nothing. May they forever continue to speak of nothing. My mother. My father. My sister. And, whenever he returns, my presently absent younger brother. ...Indeed, there should be no reason. No reason at all for such a revolting truth to be revealed. So let it be hidden. From these innocent eyes, the precious family which I love, mercilessly take that right to know the truth away from them. Take the truth, bury it deep, deep within and even beneath my heart, freeze it over and over, encase it within a solid block of ice, and crush it into nonexistence beneath the pressure of countless lies. So let it be forgotten. Only then will I rest easy, knowing that I belong to a family of mutual love. Even if it's a selfish decision, even if they deserve to know the truth. To keep up the facade of an innocent son, an innocent brother. To prevent a close family from being torn apart, to sustain that harmony, that peace. To that end, whatever it takes. I won't let it happen. That――is something I truly, sincerely prayed for.