Chapter 78: Selfish

Chapter 78: Selfish Magnus That look in her eyes is what kills me the most. But what breaks me even more is knowing I still have more to say—worse things. Harsher truths. Because what I’ve said so far isn’t nearly as cruel as what I truly need to tell her. And yet... Kaya’s eyes are killing me.Everything about her is. With a heavy sigh, I summon every ounce of strength I have to resist the pull of the mate bond. I shove Athan’s instincts deep down, forcing myself to remain stoic—as detached as possible—as I begin. "It was my choice," I say quietly. "My job... my purpose... they leave no room for weakness. I was born to be a warrior—a weapon. A monster who only knows how to fight, how to serve. Those are the only things I can do. The only things I’m allowed to be." I pause.Because I can’t go on with this lie—not without choking on it.I can’t keep this mask on while spewing bullshit that barely holds together anymore. Yes, part of it is true. I was born to lead the Blood Moon warriors. Born to serve the king.But I was also born... for something else.And so was Kaya. And that’s precisely why I can’t accept her as my mate.Because if I do—if I bind her to me completely—I will only bring more danger into her already shattered life. The silence between us stretches, taut and suffocating. But I say nothing more. I have to give her space to breathe, to think. Her trembling lips betray how devastated she is. But even through the pain, I can feel her wolf doesn’t believe a word of it.And I’m not the least bit surprised. "So what?" Kaya finally breaks the silence, her voice raw with anguish. "Were you just going to keep it a secret from me forever?" She glares at me through a veil of tears, her shoulders shaking. "You were helping me find my wolf. Teaching me to shift. There’s no way I wouldn’t have recognized you eventually!" "I know," is all I manage to say at first, but after a brief pause, I force myself to continue."But I wasn’t training you so you’d recognize the bond. I was training you—for you." "For me," she echoes, a bitter scoff slipping from her swollen lips. "How many times have I heard that before? Damien did everything ’for me’ too. And look where that got me." The moment she says that fucker’s name, Athan bares his teeth inside me, a low, guttural growl rumbling in my chest.I hate it too. I hate being compared to that piece of shit.But I guess I deserve it. Because right now, I hate myself just as much. "All the misery..." Kaya’s voice cracks, every word scraping across my chest like shattered glass. "So many male wolves have lost their mates for no reason. And yet... you still don’t learn. You all still think you get to choose. Like fate doesn’t matter. Like we don’t matter. Finding a mate is supposed to be a blessing. But even you..." She doesn’t finish. The tears come again, cutting off her voice, stealing the rest of her strength.And I just stand there—gritting my teeth, clenching my fists, raging silently at how fucking pathetic I’ve become. Just tell her. Athan is howling now, screaming in my head with rage and desperation. Tell her the truth.But I shut him out. I shove him back into the dark, refusing to listen to his anguish. "Then reject me." That quiet sentence—those three devastating words—fall from Kaya’s lips like a curse.And they hit harder than any blade. My blood runs cold. "If you don’t want me..." her voice trembles, barely holding together, "then reject me. Let me go. Let me live my life without you haunting every step. Maybe I’ll find someone else. Maybe I’ll choose someone else. Maybe... I’ll be happy." "I can’t do that!" I snap—too fast, too harsh—and immediately regret it. Because the truth is, I can’t reject her. I don’t fucking want to. Because she’s mine.She belongs to me. It’s already unbearable knowing someone like Windthorne tried to claim her in the past. The thought of someone else doing the same—someone touching her, marking her, making her theirs—it makes something primal and violent churn in my gut. "Do you see what you’ve done?" My father’s voice echoes from the graveyard of my mind, cold and merciless. "Do you see what kind of monster you can be?" "You refuse to claim me," Kaya says quietly, her voice a heavy counterpoint to the roaring storm inside me. "And you refuse to reject me too. So what now, Magnus? What is it... that you want to do?" What I want? I want to claim her. I want to sink my teeth into the curve of her delicate neck and feel the pulse of the bond seal between us.I want to drag her into my arms and kiss her until the stars melt.I want to bury every lie I’ve ever told her beneath the truth of our bond.I want her to be mine—and for the rest of the world to know it. No, Moonlight. You don’t want to know what I really want to do. "I want things to stay the same." The lie tumbles out of me before I can even think. "I just... want everything to stay the way it is. That’s all. That’s what I want." But the second the words leave my mouth, I loathe them.Lies. Every last word is a dagger I twist deeper into both our hearts. Athan turns away from me, perhaps unwilling to witness Rana’s pain.And Kaya... Kaya just stares. Those beautiful, broken eyes—wide, wet, aching—and all I can do is stand there and silently pray that one day... she might find it in her heart to forgive me. "I want to go back," her voice is so faint, so fragile, it feels like it cracks something inside me. "It’s been... too much. So please... just take me back." Without a word, I strip off my shirt and offer it to her. It’s torn, stained, barely holding itself together—but it’s something. And for now, something is enough. To my relief, she accepts it without a glance, wrapping the fabric around herself in silence. Once she’s covered, I lift her into my arms and begin to walk. Each step feels like I’m sinking deeper into the earth, like the weight of everything—of her, of what I’ve done—is trying to pull me under. My legs ache, my chest burns, and the exhaustion clings to me like wet smoke. But I keep going. Because none of that matters. Not the pain, not the cold, not the way my muscles scream.What matters is that my father was right. I am a monster. A selfish, broken thing that was never meant to love—but still clings to the one person he can’t bear to lose. Don’t reject me.I repeat it like a prayer in my mind as I watch her—silent, distant, wrapped in my arms but so far from my reach.Don’t reject me, Kaya. Even a monster like me... Deserves to be selfish.