Chapter 20 - Sharing is Caring

Chapter 20: Chapter 20 - Sharing is Caring Even though it was realistically the closer limb, Qatrand didn’t even try and move the hand she had gripping her fiance’s onto her cheek. Instead she used her other to cover her own eyes for a while... to think without looking at that *vulnerable* expression - that by El’s words just then was at once both an illusion and ’real’. She’d known since they met that the girl had a rather amazing spiritual cultivation. It had to be at *least* greater than the girl’s father for the masking tool to be seen through only by her. Their first ever talk was also more serious and articulate than a ’regular’ six year old could ever hope for. The way she was even back then was also not that much different from how she’d *always* been when they interacted, so to the Yecine that meant... another thing now. From that age - and even more likely before then - her arranged fiance had been ’pretending’ to be someone that she ’wanted’ to be instead of already being it. ’That is all very hard to wrap my head around. I don’t know what to say. Or to ask. If I should ask anything. Has she ever allowed herself to just... be?’ The taller girl wasn’t sure why the possibility of the answer being ’negative’ concerned her, though she had a reasonable feeling that it stemmed from growing up in an environment that forcibly molded her into being someone else. It was only in the last few years that she’d begun to sense the *problem* in that. ’Maybe she’s a lot more like me than I ever thought. She *innately* felt that no one would accept her so she also ’agreed’ to change. Though I guess... she never said why she did it.’ Qatrand understood the equivalency was a stretch. Especially when confronted with the claim that the way the girl acted was almost fully what she desired, which was not as similar. At this point in her life, the Yecine felt everything from her own behavior to her appearance was at best six parts ’right’ and four parts *wrong*. There was also plenty about emotions, goals, and so much more that she just didn’t plain understand. Though she felt she had been working on it. Right now she knew very well that she was ’sad’... and it was easy to develop a quick goal to potentially not stay that way. She just needed to speak and hope to salvage advice from the smartest person available. Qat finally moved the hand on her cheek, but didn’t let go entirely. She clasped her fingers around the smaller palm while dragging it down more comfortably in between them. After the entire time sitting there, it had only then occurred to the older girl that it might have been the first time she’d been the one to try and hold on to the other’s hand. "I’m sorry. I promised I’d protect you, but I don’t know what to do here. I feel like I failed... and worse by not knowing in which direction that the battlefield you’re standing on even is." "That... is honestly the coolest line anyone has ever used on me. I might... repeatedly listen to that one when I’m going to sleep for a while..." The girl in her lap mumbled the words in a ’strange’ voice, but the ’dark-haired’ girl decided it was probably best to ignore whatever it meant, for now. Her concentration instead flipped to the follicles lining her scalp as she started applying a cultivation technique to *undo* something her father ordered be done. With her increase in physical Echelon, it no longer required waiting for weeks to wear off to get glimpses of the natural color at the roots - or more usually, applying dying agents before leaving the Yecine training grounds so that no one else ever did. Though this ’new’ method did take a *little* bit of time. Within a pair of quiet minutes, every raven strand on her head slowly turned back to blonde as the brunette watched. "You’ve seen it once before, but I never explained and you never asked. This pigment is my natural hair. I’m told it came from my mother, though she died soon after I was born so I can only take their word." Qatrand had been shown and told a lot of things this evening, so she only felt it was right to do a little of that on her own. Especially since she hadn’t known what else to say. It so happened that this was one quality of hers that she often felt was ’wrong’, but was forced to pretend to be okay with. Elua pat the tall girl’s hip thrice right before speaking. "I apologize. It wasn’t that I wasn’t interested, it was that my mother told me a few things so... I already knew. All of that. Though for some strange reason *she* thought it was the opposite that day." The wavy haired brunette chuckled while shaking her head. "She’s usually very sharp so why she thought you were the one that happened to dye your *dark* hair such a light color that *so* closely resembled the mother whom you never met was very airheaded of the woman. I myself realized right away." The swordswoman sighed. The personal information she attempted to share hadn’t been something as hidden as might be compared to what was just told to her. It wasn’t like she had a lot of secrets. In fact El already knew any that came to mind. "I see. Give me a moment to think of-" "Oh, and when I say right away, I do mean when we first met. There’s a different spiritual fluctuation between natural hair and that which is coated in dyes. Something to do with the essence infusing the colorant. Even using physical techniques leaves an unnatural blip if you are cognizant enough of it." It was really something she only discovered far into her last life. But it was one of those things that once you’ve seen it, you can’t unsee it. You notice it everywhere! "It’s subtle but detectable for someone like me. At least when I got your silly tool to finally be silent. Ah, but that’s not to say I knew you were ’blonde’ until the day at the Youth Guild. Just that it had dye applied. Mm. Yes. That was quite the pleasant surprise~" Qatrand was starting to wonder if anything had ever been a secret from the girl. Maybe the way forward for this conversation wasn’t sharing her own... but taking a ’greater interest’ in what the person sitting there was thinking about things. "O-okay. Uh. Then if you don’t mind, which... do you prefer?" El smiled charmingly at the awkwardly voiced question and brushed her fingers on the bright bangs. She’d known for years how she’d reply if this was ever an issue. "Isn’t it obvious?" A question being returned made the Yecine wonder... if it was so. She also wondered why nothing she was trying was working! Everything still felt *awkward*. "Whichever makes you happier. Whichever feels right. I feel like I said something like this before already? It really does apply to pretty much every aspect of your form, Qat. Not that what you look like isn’t a part of you, but it doesn’t define you to me. Not like your spirit does." That at least made sense to the older girl, considering that type of energy was clearly what her fiance was the most concerned with. She had even been convinced to pay more attention to that kind of cultivation herself. Though- "Then what is it about muscles...?" ... "Ahem. They are just attractive, alright? Is there nothing you simply find wonderful without fully understanding or ever really seeking an explanation as to *why* you do." After a moment, the older girl nodded. "You’re right, there is." "Oh?" Elua was honestly surprised. She had just said ’words’ in order to quickly *deflect*! No one ever understood her hobby. "Since we met, I’ve had a bit of a... soft spot for cute things." "O-oh, that’s... w-wait. By cute things... you don’t possibly mean other cute girls, do you?" The ’flattered’ rapidly turned into ’chilled’. "Well, not just people, but... yeah. I would acknowledge them in my head with that word when I saw them, but never thought that deeply about why I felt that way." "H-hohhh? Is that... right." The normally taciturn girl wasn’t completely oblivious to the way the other was responding. It was rather that she hadn’t considered it could be ’jealousy’. But it did feel like she was being *misunderstood* in some way so she began to explain more... after an awkward few seconds of being ’obviously’ looked away from. "Now that I think on it there is more to that feeling? When it is an item, I also always wonder if you would like it." The young Yecine figured that was because she’d once read that little items were usually sent by suitors to gather attention. However, with their marriage being arranged and her elders never suggesting her to send the other girl anything, it was only idle thinking. In the past she’d never really been given any allowance to have come up with the idea to do it on her own. ’Maybe... I will start. A small toy? Hm. An article of clothing?’ "A-ah. Then is it the same with... people?" For a moment the swordswoman was confused, as she was just thinking about buying different cute things to give to her fiance. She didn’t think it was possible the brunette meant ’buying her cute girls’, but the ideas did connect for an odd instant. "Nnn... no. With people it is more like comparing. Things like ’oh, that child is acting cute like when I met El’." ’Child? So not others our age...? This should be relieving, but-’ Even though she ’almost’ wanted to drop the questioning, it had to be asked! "If you met someone closer to our age that ’comparatively’ you found cuter than me then... what?" The now blonde teenager tilted her head and frowned. The question was petulant in a way that made her question... what she was still doing wrong. She thought perhaps it was that they *somehow* got back to talking about the Yecine girl herself again instead of the Goltbred. But there was nothing else in her head other than being honest. "I haven’t seen anyone like that yet. I’d have to tell you at that time." Elua frowned deeper but ’blushed’. ’Hnng... an unintended compliment. Ugh, I don’t know whether I *want* her to intend them or keep them ’rare’ and twistedly sincere.’ She pushed herself off the legs of her ’fortress’ and stood with her arms crossed. It was not ’imposing’ at all, with her spirit kept tightly bound, but the point was made. She even ’pursed’ her lips and ’furrowed’ her brow! "You’re really going to make me say it directly, aren’t you. I’m jealous that you are looking at other girls, Qat." Pigeon blue eyes became startled as if finally realizing the ’problem’. "Demanding you not to look is as silly as if you forbade me from appreciating anyone else’s muscles at a distance. Hobbies are hobbies. Just... just don’t talk about it, okay?" It wasn’t even that the reborn cultivator couldn’t stand knowing about her beloved *staring* at ’attractive people’ - which she ’technically’ couldn’t and was the very *reason* why she kept bringing it back to ’other girls’ - but that her current burgeoning *vanity* now tied to her ’facade’ was wholly Qat’s fault in the first place! The idea that she could be so ’free’ out and about with the *cute* descriptor made it feel quite ’cheap’. The one at ’fault’ for making her feel less *special* shook her head while letting go of the held hand. "El, I never... you’re my fiance. I’d never allow myself to treat another girl in the way you are worried about. It’s not how I was taught and... I also like to think that it’s not who I am." Contrary to certain expectations, which were *mistakenly* positive considering how everything else had utterly failed to improve the mint-eyed girl’s mood... this statement did not make things ’better’. Especially paired with losing the lucky and rare ’unrequested’ intimate touch! But it did push one of them over the edge of yet another impulsive ’decision’.