Chapter 66—What do you want?

Chapter 66: 66—What do you want? Lucen returned to the Keep after Lost Wind departed. Her final words to him were, "Don’t let anything eat you while I’m gone." A strange thing to say to someone you just told to kill himself. But he remembered her words well: Move to the center of the army, and don’t shake anyone. The day was drawing to a close. The light of the Halo turned silvery, and faint, and the cosmos stretched overhead. Chilly wind whispered between the stone towers of the Grey Keep, and many of the workers trailed from the castle as they returned Castaway. He wanted to climb the stairs, see his mom, and then fall into a deep slumber. He’d still have to wake up early for any battle. He was about to enter the castle when he saw a flash of his mother’s golden hair down at the stables. Lucen turned pale, and considered just returning to the camp. Selene would see Hiru wearing his cape, and start a new argument. He gritted his teeth, marching to the stables, and entered sharply. He was ready to start explaining himself, but his jaw dropped once the doors opened. Selene sat on a small stool, wearing a black dress and white bonnet. Hiru sat opposite her in a similar chair, smiling. She fed him from a small bowl, and hummed a relaxing song. They both turned as Lucen came in. Selene’s face went from happy to awkward in moments. Hiru was just happy, his large cat ears fluttered, and his yellow eyes glowed. Both of them were lost for words at first. The stable was empty and quiet, all the mounts taken to the camp outside Castaway. "I’m sorry about the cloak," he said finally, "you made it for me, and i know how much you don—" "Lucen, its okay," Selene said, rising to her feet. She ran her finger through Lucen’s hair, and looked over his ragged appearance. She wrinkled her nose. "When did you bathe last?" That would be yesterday, but that wasn’t important. Hiru walked over to them, and tugged on Selene’s dress. She looked down and jumped slightly. But then passed Hiru the bowl, smiling. Lucen and Selene shared an awkward glance. "I’m still not used to him," Selene said, "but I’ve been feeding him the last few days. The Lightcloaks are keeping him here but giving him anything." Lucen flushed, realising he had completely forgotten about Hiru. But his expression soon fell, lips curling down in a frown. Selene had been taking care of him. "Why are you here?" Selene looked down, smiling bitterly. "I felt bad. We argue all the time, but this time... it felt like you didn’t think I was worth talking to." Lucen’s face crumpled. "Mom, I—" "I know, you’re going through a lot, and you’ve never been one to say what’s bothering you out loud. I came here to see what you saw. I’m so sorry, Lucen. You and Hiru do share a lot, but his life has been... horrifying. I’m so sorry for reminding you of such prejudice." Lucen blinked. "You talk so differently now. Like the people in the Keep. I didn’t mean to make you feel like that. I just...i—" He stuttered for a moment, struggling with what he could tell her. She swept her hand through his hair. "You never cry, Lucen," she said softly, "even as a baby. I always felt like I was your kid sometimes. When the maids would say horrible things about me, when I felt like I was too stupid to learn how to read. You were there to comfort me, and tell me you believed in me. I should have been more stable, provided you with a safe place to cry." Lucen shook his head vigorously. "No, that’s not it. I trust you, you’re the only person I feel safe with. I can cry but it’s not useful, you know. So many people are suffering, dying, looking for a hero. I can’t cry, it—" Selene cupped her hands over his face, her dark eyes full of tears. Lucen pursed his lips. He tried to get the tears out but just felt emptier. "I don’t know what to do, mom. It’s like I’m caught in a whirlpool, like no matter what I do the story’s already written. And everyone keeps looking at me to do something. Lucen looked for his tears once again. Selene was crying. It wasn’t like he was stronger than her. Just more detached from his own life. "And I just feel like I’m not that person. I can’t change anyone’s mind, I can’t prevent tragedy. All I want is to live, but everyone’s... they aren’t saying that it’s not enough. But I feel like I’m the stupid one here, the one who doesn’t know the right way to live." Selene pulled his head into her chest. "You’re not wrong. I mean, I think you aren’t. But don’t let anyone tell you how to live your life. They don’t see the world like you do, and people don’t treat them the same way." "There’s so much I can’t say," Lucen continued, "because I don’t know what the consequences will be. So many problems I feel I was born into." He told her about Aya, and how he pleaded with her to not turn herself in. "She knows what she wants," Selene said, pity in her eyes. "what do you want to do?" "What her brother did shouldn’t count as her crimes. I don’t want her to die believing she was a coward for wanting to live." It was punishment designed by the empire to invoke fear at the very sign of heresy in anyone you knew. And Aya had grown up supporting this practice, maybe even cheering when a heretic’s family was executed. Now she probably felt it would be hypocritical to turn her back on those values. "Many of our values as a society are... flawed," Selene said. "But for someone to bring themselves to justice, haven’t they shown enough resolve?" Lucen glared at the ground, suddenly angrier. "I’m going down to the pits to speak with Aya," Lucen said, "I’ll say what I want to and leave if there. If she still wants to die..." After that he was going to the Red Keep, no matter what, and he would search its depths for anything that could help him. Power. With enough of it he could bend fate, and become the hunter. He already had so many enemies. There was nowhere to run to, and he was a cornered rat, so it’s about time he turned around and started biting motherfuckers. He wasn’t anybody’s hero or puppet. There were shouts coming from the courtyard. Lucen furrowed his brow, and ran out. Selene followed close behind. They both stopped, jaws dropped by the sight of Castaway Valley. The simple row of houses and rolling green fields were set ablaze. Dark, huge shapes moved in the streets, wreaking havoc, and the shimmering figure of a Red wolf lit up the evening. "The Tyrant Wolf," Lucen murmured, he started running, but Selene held him back. "Mom, I have to go. Liam, Brock, Kon, they’re all still down there!" "I’m not saying don’t go," Selene explained, "but look—" she pointed at the doorway of the Grey Keep where the giant knights normally stood. They were all gone, Lucen could pick out their lumbering figures rushing to the valley. "—No knights in the castle, this is our chance!" "To do what?" Lucen asked. "we can go down to the pits and save Aya!"